he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
