i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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