i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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