well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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