i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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