Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
