LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
