Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Randomize