Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
