Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
