Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
