don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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