my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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