i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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