If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
