so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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