When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
