my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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