I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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