I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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