That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
