I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
