I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
