The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Randomize
