I am in a vortex of obligation.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
