Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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