woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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