wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
