I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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