Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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