My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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