my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
