I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
