you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
