She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
