I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
