i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
