So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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