a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
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