She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Come on in and take your pants off
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