He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
