cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Randomize
