we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
