dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
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