i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
They took my balls.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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