you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
