After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
