Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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