Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
