how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
